Written by Dr. Paul Kelly, C.Psych. July 22, 2024
Tell the right kind for stories to make new friends.
Stories about familiar things are best.
Learn why and how.
Avoid the Novelty Penalty.
Table of Contents
- Should You Tell Familiar Stories or Novel Stories?
- What is a Familiar Story?
- 5 Reasons Why Familiar Stories Build Friendships
- What is the Novelty Penalty?
- Topics for Making New Friends
- More Tips on Making New Friends
- Personal Note and Recommended Research
Should You Tell Familiar Stories or Novel Stories?
What kind of storytelling is best for making new friends?
Should you tell a novel story or a familiar story?
A novel story would be about a place they have never been, or a thing they have never done.
That seems interesting.
But is a novel story the best way to make a new friend?
Would it be better to tell a story about something familiar – about something they already know?
Here is the surprise answer: It is better to tell a familiar story!
What is a Familiar Story?
Let me start with a clarification: By ‘familiar’ stories, I don’t mean stories that the listener has already heard. I mean stories about experiences the listener has already had.
The listener is at least somewhat familiar with what you are talking about.
Here is an example:
Zara just met Angie in a college class.
Angie looked like a Swifty, so Zara took a chance and started the conversation by talking about The Tortured Poets Department.
Zara told Angie that her favourite song was Fortnight.
Angie said she liked So High School.
Zara and Angie felt a connection even though they preferred different songs.
5 Reasons Why Familiar Stories Build Friendships
Here are the reasons why familiar stories are usually best when you want to make a friend.
- When you share an experience with someone, they will feel closer to you. Shared experiences help people connect.
- Familiar stories will activate the listener’s memories and rich emotions. When they share emotions, you become their friend.
- When you tell a familiar story, you remind the listener that you have something in common. You have a common identity so they will trust you.
- Familiar stories give the listener at chance to learn something about themselves. They can see how their reactions are the same or different from yours. So a familiar story can still be interesting and stimulate excitement and pleasure.
- It pleases them that you see the world as they do. They consider you a friend because you share common experiences.
What is the Novelty Penalty?
Did you think that listeners enjoy novel stories more that familiar stories? They don’t.
If you tell stories about things the other person doesn’t know anything about, you will turn them off. This is called the Novelty Penalty.
Why are they turned off? All stories leave stuff out. Listeners can only understand a story if they already have some background information. Then they can fill in the information gaps. When the story is too novel – they won’t know how to make sense of it. They will be confused and bored. Usually, they will be too polite to tell you, but they won’t want to be your friend.
Don’t be a boring storyteller. It can be okay to tell a novel story. Just make sure to add enough background information so your listener will not be confused. It is okay to stop your story and ask the listener if they have any questions. That will give them a chance to respond. Then you are having a conversation and can learn from each other.
So, you can tell interesting stories. Just make it a conversation so your potential new friend feels included. Don’t be a show-off. Be humble and listen as well as talk.
Topics for Making New Friends
Not sure what topics to use for familiar stories?
Remember that it is okay to trust yourself. You can talk about anything. Today I was in an elevator, and I said to a guy: “It looks like we have the same barber.” We both had very short hair. He laughed and said: “So, you cut your own hair too” and made gesture for an electric clipper.
Have a look at the suggestions below. You could try them out, or better yet talk about whatever comes to mind when you see the person. You will be pleasantly surprised about how often these conversations will be enjoyable for both of you.
1. Shared College Experiences
Talking about common college experiences is a great way to connect. Here are some examples:
- “What classes are you taking this semester?”
- “Have you joined any clubs or organizations?”
- “What’s your favorite spot on campus?”
2. Popular Culture
Discussing movies, TV shows, music, or books that are widely known can spark engaging conversations:
- “Have you seen the latest episode of [popular Netflix show]?”
- “What kind of music do you like to listen to?”
- “Heard any good podcasts lately?”
3. Hobbies and Interests
Sharing hobbies and interests can help you find common ground:
- “Do you play any sports?”
- “What do you like to do in your free time?”
- “Are you into any particular hobbies?”
More Tips on Making New Friends
It is easier to make new friends than you might think. I have written 3 more articles to give you tips on how to start new friendships. The articles are linked below to make it easy for you to find them.
- It helps to ask the right kind of questionswhen you are getting to know someone. Check here to learn more about the best kinds of questions to ask.
- Are you afraid to let people see that you are not perfect? Learn about the Beautiful Mess Effect. You can use your vulnerability to make good friends.
- Do you know about the Liking Gap? Check my story about Sarah and Sunita. Learn how we underestimate how much others like us. Don’t let the Liking Gap stop you from make new friends. I give you 6 steps to overcome the Liking Gap.
Personal Note and Recommended Research
When I was young, I was very shy, and it was hard for me to make friends. Maybe that’s why this topic interests me so much. It turns out that many of us are in the same boat. We would like more friends and don’t know how to start. I hope that the tips in this article will help you to take some first steps – so you can find the good friends that you deserve.
I have read these articles. They explain the research behind the Novelty Penalty. My therapists and I use this advice to help our clients.
I know that the advice is helpful because we measure client progress at my Clinic. I hope that you can use this advice to find more connection and joy in your life.
Cooney, G., Gilbert, D. T., & Wilson, T. D. (2017). The Novelty Penalty: Why Do People Like Talking About New Experiences but Hearing About Old Ones? Psychological Science, 28(3), 380-394. Retrieved from: https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797616685870
Michael Yeomans, Maurice E. Schweitzer, Alison Wood Brooks, (2017) The Conversational Circumplex: Identifying, prioritizing, and pursuing informational and relational motives in conversation, Current Opinion in Psychology, 44, 293-302, Retrieved from: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2021.10.001.
